I need to tell her because I’m starting to get panic attacks and can’t sleep and I’m getting real skinny from the stress.
But I don’t know how to say the words because they’re sick things and I know if I tell her it will break our family apart.
So I say there’s some things I need to tell you about dad and then I dance around the issue and can’t bring myself to say it.
Because I’m waiting for her to give me permission. For her to say I’m your mother, you can tell me anything.
But all I see is impatience and coldness in her eyes.
**********
I must have managed to fall asleep for once.
I’m dreaming about war.
A nuclear bomb explodes in my head – vivid technicolour.
I run into my mother and father’s bedroom.
To tell them about the bomb.
As they sit up in bed I wake.
Then I go back to bed in my room.
I’m there alone.
No one comes in to see me.
The dream stays with me for days.